


Lilith Fucks Around and Finds Out

by singing_to_shipwreck



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Humor, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Magic Made Them Do It, Multi, Nothing Dubious, but nothing explicit, rated for mentions of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28701858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singing_to_shipwreck/pseuds/singing_to_shipwreck
Summary: In which Lilith, Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin Robinson enter a bet about whether or not Lilith can witch Nandor and Guillermo into getting together. The spell works a little too well.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Lilith, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja, Laszlo/Nadja/Lilith, Lilith/Nadja (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	Lilith Fucks Around and Finds Out

**Author's Note:**

> This began as a copycat of that one Buffy episode, Something Borrowed. But then Lilith started speaking to me through the ether and I started thinking about her/Nadja/Laszlo and this came out. Nandor and Guillermo feel like a damn afterthought at this point. 
> 
> After the angsty writing I did last week, I wanted to do something silly. So I present you with this little silly bit of fun. 

“So those two, huh?” Lilith asked, leaning back in her seat as Guillermo and Nandor left the room. “They’re fucking?”

Nadja shook her head and laughed conspiratorially. “No, but that _would_ be funny.”

An interesting yet all-around enjoyable threesome had ended in the joyous restoration of their friendship and then some. Instead of hissing _,_ Nadja was now inclined to tip her head back and sigh dreamily, “ _witches”_ at random hours of the day. No one in the house was yet used to this, least of all Laszlo, who often giggled like a kid in a candy store as he thought of all the things he, Nadja, and Lilith could get up to. 

The occasional presence of an additional non-human person in the house was understandably alarming for Guillermo, although he did enjoy all of the face creams that came along with it. He had a nice little skincare setup these days, and if he tried hard enough he could ignore some of the less traditional ingredients. 

Lilith sighed dreamily, brushing her hair out of her face. Nadja watched the motion with her fang very subtly (or, at least, what she thought was subtly) catching her lower lip. “There’s something sort of tantalizing about the idea,” Lilith mused, popping the _t_ in tantalizing, which Nadja found rather tantalizing in and of itself. 

“Of Nandor and that pathetic human?”

Lilith looked affronted. “Pathetic? Do you know how the little one’s business has changed the way of life for our coven?” 

“Yes, darling, I know,” Nadja said, trying to be polite. It did not come across as polite in the slightest, but she did try. 

Lilith sneered. “Well, why don’t we just _see_ what they look like together then, hmm?” 

Nadja huffed in amusement. “Oh, you are thinking about spelling all over them, yes? That would never work! Nandor would never fall for that sort of parlor trick.”

Lilith raised her eyebrows and stuck out her hand. She hissed, “Do you want to bet on that, Nadja?” 

* * *

Nadja and Lilith’s bet promptly became Nadja and Lilith and Laszlo and Colin Robinson’s bet. Nadja and Laszlo, both knowing Nandor better than anyone else (or so they insisted, but that remained to be seen) put a substantial amount of cash dollars on Nandor _not_ being susceptible to witchcraft and the like. Laszlo, of the mind that Guillermo was just and would always be just a familiar, did not see Nandor falling in love as a possibility. Nadja, however, could honestly see this as a possibility, but she thoroughly enjoyed Lilith’s indignation at being disagreed with and the aftermath of that, so she pressed on with her assertion. Lilith bet, of course, that with a simple spell, she could have Nandor spilling out declarations of love in no time. Colin Robinson, who no one actually ever invited to the shenanigans but had just sort of emerged, was betting that whatever happened, he would get a good meal out of it. 

So, really, the bet was besides the point. 

Lilith entered the house with two paper bags, each filled to the brim with assorted spell-offerings as well as more face cream for Guillermo’s rosacea. She was nothing if not loyal that way, and she supposed it would do her chances a lot of good if the human’s skin glowed. 

Along with the face cream, she brought all the usual trappings for an incantation like this: a gold amulet (or, it appeared to be gold at least, if no one looked too closely), rose petals from a rose bush buried on soil with a great pH balance (not for anything mystical, but just for gardening purposes), saffron, a tiny doll she fashioned to look like Nandor, and, most importantly, a sense of tenacity and over-enunciation skills that only she could provide.

Nadja smiled at her as she entered the house, moving to help her with the bags. Lilith slapped her hand away. It was all very exciting, especially for Laszlo who watched them interact as he chewed the stem of his unlit pipe. He made a mental note to ask Lilith to slip into something a little more Nadja-shaped later. In addition to coprophilia, he had always wanted to try some good old fashioned doppelganger play.

But the doppelganger play would have to wait for later in the evening, after Lilith cast her spell which may or may not turn Nandor into a moon-eyed idiot. 

Lilith, Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin Robinson gathered at the doorway to the fancy room, where Nandor and Guillermo sat on the two opposite sides of the couch in silence. “Do you mind if we join?” Lilith asked in her best hip-hop kundalini dance class customer service voice. Guillermo looked at the group gathered strangely, but nodded. Nandor waved them in with a limp hand, not even looking up from his enormous book, so large that it made his hands look small. Which was an impressive feat. 

“Hello, Lilith,” Nandor expressed amicably in his sing-song voice, which always made Lilith smirk. “You know, if you were to take on your, uh, unaltered form, that would be something we would be alright with,” he added, gesturing toward Lilith’s face. 

“Nandor!” Nadja screeched, rushing forward to slap him on the back of the head. “For the last time, keep those thoughts in your head.” She stalked away and plopped down in one of the arm chairs with a huff. Lilith settled herself in the other, and Colin and Laszlo sat behind them. Guillermo’s eyes darted behind the lenses of his glasses as he took in the interesting way they had arranged themselves. 

“Sorry, Nadja.”

Lilith laughed off the attention slyly, already used to Nandor and his enjoyment of females of the older variety. She wasn’t interested in the big lug for herself, too wrapped up in Nadja, Laszlo, and Nadja _and_ Laszlo, but it was flattering nonetheless. 

Lilith removed the items from her bags one by one, as Nandor and Guillermo watched on in confusion. “What is happening, Guillermo?” Nandor whispered, as though no one else in the room could hear them. 

“Just unloading my shopping,” Lilith replied, because she could hear him. 

“Oh.” 

“Here, Guillermo. Hold this,” she said, lobbing the tiny doll of Nandor across the room. Mercifully, the human caught it, peering at it with his big expressive eyes. 

Lilith began to chant, pronouncing each syllable slowly. Nadja fanned herself, and Laszlo watched his wife and then his… well, Lilith, with interest. Colin moved to interrupt with an explanation about the origins of each word she said, but then considered the wrath he might face and thought better of it.

“What is she doing?” Nandor asked.

Lilith finished her chant, and the Nandor doll in Guillermo’s hands lit up in a flash of pink sparkle. He blinked at the light and dropped the doll to the floor. The light extinguished. Nandor did not seem to notice that any of this was happening as he closed his book and placed it on the couch beside him. 

“I was reading a po-em,” Lilith explained casually. 

“Oh.” Nandor turned to Guillermo and tacked on under his breath, “I did not understand that poem. Did you?”

“No,” Guillermo replied, his eyes still comically wide. 

Laszlo chuckled in glee. “I think I am about to come into a large sum of money!”

“Just you wait!” Lilith turned and pointed at him with a sneer. 

Nandor looked at Guillermo and then frowned, scratching at his scalp. He opened his mouth to speak, but then his eyes went wide and he slapped a hand over his mouth. He kept his hand there for a moment, shaking with the amount of effort he exerted to keep himself quiet, but he was no match for Lilith’s spell. 

“Oh, Guillermo!” Nandor exclaimed, dropping to his knees at Guillermo’s feet. His cape fanned out on the floor around him. Guillermo looked up at Lilith with wide, panicked eyes. She gave him a reassuring thumbs up. “Guillermo, I can’t hold in my feelings any longer! Every time I see you doing the dusting or cleaning shit off of my cape there is a stirring in my dead heart which tells me that I am in love with you.”

“Shit,” Nadja hissed through clenched fangs, crossing her arms tightly. Now she owed Lilith money, and the witch would be gloating for the rest of the evening. 

“Uh… you’re in _love_ with me?” Guillermo asked, once again looking to Lilith with panic on his face. She just nodded her support. He turned his attention back to the vampire at his feet and placed a hesitant hand on the top of Nandor’s head, just over his bun. “Well. Same. Me too. I’m… uh, I’m not good at this.”

Nandor looked like was going to cry, burying his face in the khaki hem of Guillermo’s trousers. “Oh, Guillermo!” he repeated, his voice thick with emotion. “I know it is very wrong for me to love a familiar and even worse for me to love a familiar who is so good at killing vampires, but I cannot stop the way I feel, and I suddenly cannot stop myself from telling you all about it!”

“You don’t have to…” Guillermo cringed as Nandor continued to kiss at his ankles. “You can get up off the floor and sit on the couch with me instead.” 

Nandor looked up at him, his eyes glassy. He returned to his position on the couch, but made grabby hands at Guillermo’s waist. He lifted Guillermo easily, settling him onto his lap. Guillermo let out a gasp and clutched to Nandor’s shoulders to stop himself from toppling over. “Nan- _Master_ , what are you doing? Everyone is watching.” 

“Let them watch!” Nandor declared, gesturing toward the group who was watching in various states of pride, awe, and disgust.

“This is _very_ over the top,” Laszlo murmured. 

“Ugh, I gotta say, this is a disappointment,” Colin Robinson muttered to Laszlo. “I didn’t consider Nandor expressing his true feelings as a possibility, although I probably ought to have. Requited love doesn’t make for a very good meal. It’s just like a weak snack you’d get at a gas station . And now I owe Lilith 50 bucks.” 

“ _50_?” Laszlo asked with an outraged gasp. “My Nadja and I owe her 200 between us, the shyster.” His face settled into an appreciative smirk. “Oh, she is something, that one.” 

“ _Quiet,”_ Lilith turned and admonished. Laszlo grinned salaciously. “Can’t you two see we are watching the show?” 

“The _show_?” Guillermo’s voice cracked as Nandor grabbed his hand and pulled it closer to his face, keeping his grip on Guillermo’s back steady so he would not topple off of his lap. He pressed gentle kisses to the skin of his wrist, loud puckering noises that resonated throughout the room. Laszlo cringed, his leg beginning to bounce uncomfortably. Colin watched the bouncing leg, his eyes flashing blue. 

“Guillermo, you are so beautiful… like a horse. A plump, beautiful horse, that I would feed nuts and berries to right now if I had some nuts or berries.”

Nadja looked sideways at Lilith. The witch shrugged. “I only said I would make Nandor gush over Guillermo, not that he’d be any good at it.” 

Guillermo, who was initially tentative but had now eased into the attention, was batting his eyelashes in a way that was not particularly sexy, not that he could have known. But Nandor seemed to think the eye batting was _very_ sexy, because he leaned forward to press his forehead against Guillermo’s. Laszlo cleared his throat. 

Suddenly, Nandor seemed to remember they had an audience and turned to them with a sneer.

“Leave! Can’t you see Guillermo and I are having a private moment?”

“But earlier you said--”

“Well that was earlier and now is now; leave so I can have private moments with my little mousey-mouse.”

Nadja stood, mouthing the words “mousey mouse?” at Lilith. Lilith shrugged and stood as well, followed by Laszlo and Colin Robinson. They all left the room in silence. 

“So much for the show, then,” Colin Robinson said sadly once the group was in the downstairs hallway. “ _They_ might not have been a delicious meal, but the discomfort rolling off of Laszlo was going to be enough to last me the rest of the night.”

“Oh, pish,” Lilith rolled her eyes and gestured toward the wall with a swirling motion. Suddenly, the wall burst into light, and Nadja and Laszlo hissed angrily at it. The light transformed into a swirling pool of blue, and then into what appeared to be a mystical projector screen. Nandor and Guillermo’s image came into focus. 

“Oh, Lilith, you are very devious,” Nadja admired, suddenly aching to go up to the boudoir. 

“Guillermo,” Nandor’s voice echoed shyly from the makeshift projector. “Kissing you is something that I would like to do, if you would let me.” 

“Doesn’t seem too confident now, the prick,” Laszlo observed. Lilith glanced at her watch and smirked knowingly. 

“You can, Master,” Guillermo replied equally shyly. Laszlo rolled his eyes, and Nadja hit him lightly on the chest. She was starting to become emotionally invested. Damn Lilith. 

Nandor leaned forward and connected their lips with a kiss, his hands clutching at Guillermo’s love handles, and Guillermo let out a whine so loud that even Lilith seemed a little put-off. She had been curious about the type of pair they’d make for some time, and now she had her answer. Nandor and Guillermo pawed at each other with all of the ferocity of two teenagers who just learned what kissing is in the back of a family sedan, exchanging comically over-the-top noises that were probably more appropriate for an NC-17 film than the sharing of a few awkward, sloppy kisses. 

“Well, of all the sights I have seen in my life, this is among the worst,” Laszlo deadpanned.

Nadja rolled her eyes. “Don’t be dramatic, darling. I think it is sort of… cute.” Nandor let out a harsh growl and moved to press kisses along the column of Guillermo’s throat. Guillermo threw his head back with a sob. “Or maybe I think I would like to go put soap in my eyes for many, many hours.”

“Lilith, say, do you know any forgetting spells? Unseeing spells? Because even _I_ am having trouble looking at this,” Colin tacked on, shaking his head. He’d had more than his fill of the awkward energy in the room. “I think I need to go rest in the basement.” 

Lilith cringed as Nandor kissed Guillermo’s mouth again, an open-mouthed, amateurish display of affection. One of Nandor’s hands began to sneak up the back of Guillermo’s sweater, and Guillermo held firm to Nandor’s face. “Okay, that’s enough,” she hissed, waving away the mystical projection with her hand. She held out her other hand to the group and smirked. “I think you all owe me some money.” 

* * *

Later, Guillermo padded upstairs to the door of Nadja and Laszlo’s crypt where Lilith was waiting as promised in nothing other than a black, silky robe. “Pay up, Guillermo,” Lilith laughed, reaching out to take the wad of bills from the human’s adorably pudgy and now _extremely_ soft (thanks to her primo moisturizer) hands. “Told you I could get Nandor to be nice to you! And you didn’t believe me!”

“Thanks, Lilith,” Guillermo said with a hint of sarcasm, his cheeks flushed shyly. He was still not entirely comfortable around her, it seemed, but that suited her fine; he was rather cute when he was all shameful. “Although… I didn’t know it was going to be, y’know, like that.”

“Yes, well, my little treat. Surprise!” Lilith boasted, breaking into a cackle. “Did you enjoy the rest of your evening with Nandor?” 

After a long silence, Guillermo finally nodded and admitted, “Yes. Very much so. But do you think it was a little wrong to cast a love spell on him like that? I mean at first it was funny, but then by the end he...” Guillermo sighed, fiddling with the hem of his sweater. “He kissed me. Just after you guys left. We kissed a _lot_. I haven’t kissed like that in… well. Ever, maybe. Is that wrong?” 

“Good for you,” Lilith said smugly, electing not to tell the little one that they were all very aware of the kissing and how _a lot_ it truly was. She leaned in to whisper. “Between you and me, that was not a love spell. That, my dear, was a truth spell! And it was only powerful enough to last about 10 minutes. So all of that kissing? That was all him.” Guillermo’s jaw dropped comically. “You’re welcome.” 

“I-- but I--” 

“Lilith! Are you coming?” echoed from the crypt. 

She smirked and yelled back, “Coming!” chipperly. “What are you still standing here for then? Go to him!” 

“Okay. I will!” Guillermo announced proudly, walking backwards. He immediately knocked over an expensive-looking lamp but caught it just in time before it could tumble off of the table. He laughed awkwardly, rubbing at his face. “Good night!” 

_Such a strange boy,_ Lilith thought to herself, before transforming herself into Nadja in a puff of smoke. For the purposes of fulfilling a totally normal long-standing doppelganger fantasy, of course. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


End file.
